I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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