I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
