last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
