If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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