I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
