you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
