I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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