Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
