I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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