I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
It's Friday. Sex?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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