so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize