Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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