Swine flu. Run for my life!
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
