So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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