Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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