I met the friendliest cop last night
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
