I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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