My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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