she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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