Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
