my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
we're making bets on your personal life
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
