Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
