You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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