he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
