Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize