The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
