Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
