I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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