ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
