So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
