hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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