I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
