I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize