Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
