Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
