No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
