I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
