How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize