Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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