he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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