my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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