So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize