It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
