oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She bit a glass in half.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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