she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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