Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
FUCK WHALES
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