i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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