im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
