Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
