I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
