If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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