At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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