May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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