What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
