it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
