I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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