I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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