He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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